Waiting for the other shoe to drop

For several months before my mom's death I kept having a sense that we have had it to good for too long. Not such a bad thing, but I felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am not saying that I knew what was about to happen or that I am clairvoyant in any way, because never in a million years did I expect my mom to die of "natural causes" at the age of 59, she had always been healthy and moderately active.

One day while I was in the car that I was thinking of all the people who I loved that have died, and my favorite memories of them. In my life the closest person to me out of all of these people was my paternal grandmother, whom we called Gimmie. Gimmie died in September 1995, and we had already lost my 24 year old cousin Brent that February, and my maternal grandfather died in February of 1996. Since their deaths we have lost family or friends scattered through the last thirteen years, and I was saddened and missed them, but in a different way than I had missed my grandmother or like I miss my mom now. While thinking about all of the wonderful people who have touched my life I had an overwhelming feeling that something was going to happen, but what? I felt panicked and tried to push these fears away and was able to distract myself, and it would be a couple of weeks before I felt this way again. In all I had these feelings four or five times from September through December 2008. I felt in some way that it was to good to be true that our family had stayed intact all of this time.

Was this intuition somehow trying to prepare me for what would happen? To answer that, I would say that I was in no way prepared for the events that took place surrounding my mother's death. Maybe I just find things to worry about, maybe I dwell on the past to much, or maybe it wasn't mystical in anyway but part of my nature to look at the worst case scenario.

Waves of Emotions

Today will be one month since my mom passed away. My emotions are like waves, with each wave that crashes up against the cliffs a new emotion hits. I am caught between sadness, worry, anger, frustration, acceptance, denial, emptiness, regret, selfishness and hope. Sadness because I will never be able to walk up to another baseball game and see her standing there, and because my daughter,niece and nephew will probably not remember her, and that my twin nieces will never have the privilege of being held in her loving arms. Worry because my dad is now left alone in the home of their dreams and how he will be emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally. Anger because I hate that she is gone and I don't understand why and keep telling myself that there is this grand plan that is not meant for us to understand, but I still want to know WHY! Frustration because I know that it is not my responsibility to make sure that everyone is taken care of but I can't help it, I worry about EVERYONE that I know who is as lost as I am. Acceptance because I have faith throughout all of my doubt that GOD is in control and His will be done. Denial because I don't want to believe that I will not see her again in her physical body. Emptyness because she left a gapping hole in my heart the day she left this earth. Regret for all the things left unsaid, all of the secrets left to be shared and for the time that should have been spent together, where I can touch her, and hear her voice. I feel selfish because I know that she is in a much more beautiful place but I still want her here with me. Finally hope, because I know that we will meet again in heaven, and it will seem like an eternity on earth but I know that when that time comes it will feel as only a moment has passed, and for that I can't wait.

There is no rhyme or reason to any of the events that took place, but what makes me continue one step in front of the other is my faith that all is well, even when it feels like it isn't.

Getting Started

I have tried this [blogging] before and failed miserably, but I feel the need to be successful as I deal with feelings of frustration, sadness, guilt, denial, and anger that have come from losing my mother less than a month ago. To help me sort through all of my emotions I have decided to put the events that led up to her death in writing. I promise to get to a happier time soon, so please forgive me for the several posts to follow.