Waves of Emotions

Today will be one month since my mom passed away. My emotions are like waves, with each wave that crashes up against the cliffs a new emotion hits. I am caught between sadness, worry, anger, frustration, acceptance, denial, emptiness, regret, selfishness and hope. Sadness because I will never be able to walk up to another baseball game and see her standing there, and because my daughter,niece and nephew will probably not remember her, and that my twin nieces will never have the privilege of being held in her loving arms. Worry because my dad is now left alone in the home of their dreams and how he will be emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally. Anger because I hate that she is gone and I don't understand why and keep telling myself that there is this grand plan that is not meant for us to understand, but I still want to know WHY! Frustration because I know that it is not my responsibility to make sure that everyone is taken care of but I can't help it, I worry about EVERYONE that I know who is as lost as I am. Acceptance because I have faith throughout all of my doubt that GOD is in control and His will be done. Denial because I don't want to believe that I will not see her again in her physical body. Emptyness because she left a gapping hole in my heart the day she left this earth. Regret for all the things left unsaid, all of the secrets left to be shared and for the time that should have been spent together, where I can touch her, and hear her voice. I feel selfish because I know that she is in a much more beautiful place but I still want her here with me. Finally hope, because I know that we will meet again in heaven, and it will seem like an eternity on earth but I know that when that time comes it will feel as only a moment has passed, and for that I can't wait.

There is no rhyme or reason to any of the events that took place, but what makes me continue one step in front of the other is my faith that all is well, even when it feels like it isn't.