Today I am going to begin reading the Bible by following Yahweh's Yarn in a Year. This is something I have been wanting to do for a while, and I am happy that I have found a way to break in down so the task does not seem so daunting. I hope to write a quick summary each day to help insure I am retaining and understanding what I am reading.
If you would like to take the journey with me you can follow the same layout by going to:
http://journeydeeperin2godsword.wordpress.com/yahwehs-yarn-in-a-year/
if you click on the chapter shown another window will open and you can read it from the computer or you can open your own bible and read from there.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
One Year
Today marks the one year anniversary of my mother's death, not something I wish to celebrate but do feel the need to acknowledge. Not only was this the year that I lost my mom but my wonderful grandfather and our beloved dog "Bear" as well. It was not an easy year and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about all we have lost. Fortunately we have been blessed as well and these blessings help us to remember that we are to continue forward. We are also humbled and reminded that there are those out there who are suffering far more than I can imagine. Just last week hundreds upon thousands of people parrished in Haiti after a massive earthquake. This does not lessen the loss I feel, but only makes me appreciate the time that we were blessed with. We have made it this far taking baby steps. I still can't help missing my momma like crazy though.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Pandemic?!?!
Lately there has been a lot of talk on the news about the H1N1 "swine" flu. Schools all around us are shutting down to avoid spreading it, and truthfully I didn't pay much attention to the chaos. I understand that is necessary to report on the subject, but it is crazy that they think that everyone is going to stay quarantined to their homes, and parents that have to work are going to take two weeks off when our country is in a recession. Where do you think all of these children will go if their parents can't take off work? Unfortunately many of them will stay at home unattended, or go to other care facilities that have not closed down, due to the fact that mortgages must be paid and food needs to be put on the table.
My 11 year old son started coughing last night, and woke up with a sore throat, two of the symptoms of H1N1, he coughed all day today and has never run fever. He will stay home tomorrow because I was told that the schools will send them home if he has a persistent cough. Of course they will not consider that he played in the rain Saturday when he was supposed to be hanging out in his friends house and then he went to his brother's soccer game where it continued to rain. Even though I am sure that it is just a cold, I am still checking his temperature around the clock and I will be checking his forehead before I go to sleep. It is one thing to hear about it on the news, but to worry that your child could have it is completely different.
My 11 year old son started coughing last night, and woke up with a sore throat, two of the symptoms of H1N1, he coughed all day today and has never run fever. He will stay home tomorrow because I was told that the schools will send them home if he has a persistent cough. Of course they will not consider that he played in the rain Saturday when he was supposed to be hanging out in his friends house and then he went to his brother's soccer game where it continued to rain. Even though I am sure that it is just a cold, I am still checking his temperature around the clock and I will be checking his forehead before I go to sleep. It is one thing to hear about it on the news, but to worry that your child could have it is completely different.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Easter Without Mom
This past Sunday was Easter, and I am grateful for Jesus rising from the dead. Maybe it was a coincidence that I had a dream Easter morning about my mom waking up from the dead. I tend to over think everything and this dream was no different. Was this dream some sort of message affirming Christ's Resurrection, or just my longing to see my mom. I am thankful that I had a chance to see her, and feel her in a dream that was so vivid that when I awoke all I wanted was to be back with her. Whatever the message... or not, I am happy that I had an opportunity to visit with her even if it was only a dream.
Easter was uneventful for our family, I think we are still trying to come to grip with the new dynamic of how we work. With Rhonda on bed rest, Melissa thought it would be nice to include her in some sort of get together. So Saturday afternoon we all went to Rhonda's for a couple of hours and had an early dinner, and let the kids hunt eggs in the backyard. We were home by 8:15 which was fine by me because I was feeling like crap and Alex was too.
Easter Sunday we went to church, where our music minister Sharon had decided to try something new with all of the songs we normally sing on Easter, we hope she doesn't make the same mistake next year. Mass was long as it always is on Easter, and crowded with families in town for the holiday and kids in from college, as well as the Chreasters (those who only come on holidays, but at least they come). Communion was twice as long and Kathryn was getting tired of being cramped in the pew, and Alex's cheeks had become flushed with fever. Easter was not what we had hoped it would be.
Fast forward to yesterday, when we finally received the autopsy report that we had been waiting on since my mom's death. The results reopened the hurt and pain of losing her all over again. We can't help but rack our brains if we made the right decision to take her off life support, if we only waited a few more weeks. We will never know because we obviously can't go back. I am not sure I will ever get over her death. I feel so sad for my mom, she would have wanted to be here, I know it. If only we knew she was hurt then maybe she would still be here, or maybe if the doctors would not have dismissed the knot on her neck, maybe things would have been different. My family has been torn apart and the guilt of feeling somehow responsible for her death has taken a toll on us all. Daddy is far from OK, he misses his life companion and love, and with the results of the autopsy he is racking his brain trying to figure out how and when the injury occurred, and maybe if he would have known or maybe he missed some clue that something was wrong. We have all been doing this since that morning on January 5 that she went into the hospital. With all that we are grappling with my grandfather seems to have given up on life and has spent the past month in and out of the hospital and rehabilitation center. He has had weakness, internal bleeding, congestive heart failure, and now an enlarged prostate. Our family seems to be crumbling around the edges. And on top of all of that my mom's mom whom is hard to swallow anyway has ranted about how it is my father's fault for my mom's death. I know she is old and demented but it cuts all the same and makes it very hard for me to continue a relationship with her that I have continued because I know how much it meant to my mom. Regardless of what she says or how she acts (as crazy as she can seem) she is the mother of my mom. My mom loved her even though she made it clear that her only son, my mom's brother was the favorite all because he was blessed (in her eyes) to have a penis, and would carry on the Wilhite name. Of course we will not talk of the way she was treated by her parents growing up or that my mom once told me that her dad came close to beating her in the face for interfering with a fight between him and her brother. And I won't mention that when my grandmother talks about what a hard worker my mom was, and was from the moment she finished high school. I won't say it was because she had to pay rent on a room she shared with two sisters if she wanted to stay in the house. Nor will I mention that when it came to helping us with our homework my mom always said to ask our dad because she didn't feel smart enough to help, in her eyes she always seem to feel less than worthy when that was not true at all. In the house my mom grew up the fact that she was a female meant that she and her sisters where somehow less worthy in the eyes of their parents, they were to submit to the males in the family and were not equal. No matter that my uncle could do no wrong in their eyes. I know that the childhood of both of my grandparents contributed to the parents/grandparents they became. I know that my grandparents loved all four of their children as best they could, so in the end that is the credit I can give my grandmother.
Love is unconditional, and my mom and dad taught me that. I was not an easy child, adolescent, teen, or adult. I am hot and cold with little to no middle ground, and by being my mother and weathering some of the battles and emotions that come with being close to me my mother and father should qualify as saints. I was blessed with a family that loved without question, and as twisted as my grandmother may seem she is still my grandmother and I love her no matter how hurtful she can be at times, because I know she loves me.
My mom was beautiful, loving, kind, sweet, funny, smart, compassionate reliable, christian, nurturing and forgiving. She was not perfect, and never claimed to be but she was a perfect fit in to our lives and will be forever missed, and we will never understand the reason for her death while we are on this earth. I am thankful she was my mom and will miss her every day, for me, my dad, my sisters, my children, my nephews and nieces, my grandmother, my aunts, my cousins, even my uncle, and for my dad's family who she had embraced as her own.
Easter was uneventful for our family, I think we are still trying to come to grip with the new dynamic of how we work. With Rhonda on bed rest, Melissa thought it would be nice to include her in some sort of get together. So Saturday afternoon we all went to Rhonda's for a couple of hours and had an early dinner, and let the kids hunt eggs in the backyard. We were home by 8:15 which was fine by me because I was feeling like crap and Alex was too.
Easter Sunday we went to church, where our music minister Sharon had decided to try something new with all of the songs we normally sing on Easter, we hope she doesn't make the same mistake next year. Mass was long as it always is on Easter, and crowded with families in town for the holiday and kids in from college, as well as the Chreasters (those who only come on holidays, but at least they come). Communion was twice as long and Kathryn was getting tired of being cramped in the pew, and Alex's cheeks had become flushed with fever. Easter was not what we had hoped it would be.
Fast forward to yesterday, when we finally received the autopsy report that we had been waiting on since my mom's death. The results reopened the hurt and pain of losing her all over again. We can't help but rack our brains if we made the right decision to take her off life support, if we only waited a few more weeks. We will never know because we obviously can't go back. I am not sure I will ever get over her death. I feel so sad for my mom, she would have wanted to be here, I know it. If only we knew she was hurt then maybe she would still be here, or maybe if the doctors would not have dismissed the knot on her neck, maybe things would have been different. My family has been torn apart and the guilt of feeling somehow responsible for her death has taken a toll on us all. Daddy is far from OK, he misses his life companion and love, and with the results of the autopsy he is racking his brain trying to figure out how and when the injury occurred, and maybe if he would have known or maybe he missed some clue that something was wrong. We have all been doing this since that morning on January 5 that she went into the hospital. With all that we are grappling with my grandfather seems to have given up on life and has spent the past month in and out of the hospital and rehabilitation center. He has had weakness, internal bleeding, congestive heart failure, and now an enlarged prostate. Our family seems to be crumbling around the edges. And on top of all of that my mom's mom whom is hard to swallow anyway has ranted about how it is my father's fault for my mom's death. I know she is old and demented but it cuts all the same and makes it very hard for me to continue a relationship with her that I have continued because I know how much it meant to my mom. Regardless of what she says or how she acts (as crazy as she can seem) she is the mother of my mom. My mom loved her even though she made it clear that her only son, my mom's brother was the favorite all because he was blessed (in her eyes) to have a penis, and would carry on the Wilhite name. Of course we will not talk of the way she was treated by her parents growing up or that my mom once told me that her dad came close to beating her in the face for interfering with a fight between him and her brother. And I won't mention that when my grandmother talks about what a hard worker my mom was, and was from the moment she finished high school. I won't say it was because she had to pay rent on a room she shared with two sisters if she wanted to stay in the house. Nor will I mention that when it came to helping us with our homework my mom always said to ask our dad because she didn't feel smart enough to help, in her eyes she always seem to feel less than worthy when that was not true at all. In the house my mom grew up the fact that she was a female meant that she and her sisters where somehow less worthy in the eyes of their parents, they were to submit to the males in the family and were not equal. No matter that my uncle could do no wrong in their eyes. I know that the childhood of both of my grandparents contributed to the parents/grandparents they became. I know that my grandparents loved all four of their children as best they could, so in the end that is the credit I can give my grandmother.
Love is unconditional, and my mom and dad taught me that. I was not an easy child, adolescent, teen, or adult. I am hot and cold with little to no middle ground, and by being my mother and weathering some of the battles and emotions that come with being close to me my mother and father should qualify as saints. I was blessed with a family that loved without question, and as twisted as my grandmother may seem she is still my grandmother and I love her no matter how hurtful she can be at times, because I know she loves me.
My mom was beautiful, loving, kind, sweet, funny, smart, compassionate reliable, christian, nurturing and forgiving. She was not perfect, and never claimed to be but she was a perfect fit in to our lives and will be forever missed, and we will never understand the reason for her death while we are on this earth. I am thankful she was my mom and will miss her every day, for me, my dad, my sisters, my children, my nephews and nieces, my grandmother, my aunts, my cousins, even my uncle, and for my dad's family who she had embraced as her own.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Spring Break
This week is spring break, so today I took my three kids and my niece to my dad's to cheer him up. He is so lonely, I want so badly to make it better for him but I know that I can't. Saturday he spent the entire day alone at the house. He has not slept in his bed since my mom went in the hospital on January 5th. When he does sleep in a bed and not the recliner he sleeps in one of the guest rooms. My heart aches for him and worries for him constantly. We all managed to have a nice visit, the boys played Wii and basketball outside, and dad cooked hamburgers on the grill. I think he enjoyed cooking for more than just himself. I went over some of the medical bills for the time mom spent in the hospital and at one point I went into their bedroom, and there on the floor sat my mom's purse, as if she were in the other room. That is how I feel, like she is in the other room and we are unable to connect.
The other night I had a beautiful dream of her, I don't remember much of it but we were getting ready for some kind of party and I woke up feeling at peace. I shared with my sister the little I could remember and she shared a dream that she had recently that leaves me feeling distraught and sad each time I think of it.
She dreamed that she saw our mom and said "I love you mom" and my mom said "I love you too" then she said "I miss you" and my mom choked up and said "I miss you too". I don't know why it upsets me so much, but the thought of her missing us breaks my heart. I know it is only a dream but I feel like dreams are sometimes how we communicate with a loved one that has passed, and that is probably why it effects me the way that it has.
The other night I had a beautiful dream of her, I don't remember much of it but we were getting ready for some kind of party and I woke up feeling at peace. I shared with my sister the little I could remember and she shared a dream that she had recently that leaves me feeling distraught and sad each time I think of it.
She dreamed that she saw our mom and said "I love you mom" and my mom said "I love you too" then she said "I miss you" and my mom choked up and said "I miss you too". I don't know why it upsets me so much, but the thought of her missing us breaks my heart. I know it is only a dream but I feel like dreams are sometimes how we communicate with a loved one that has passed, and that is probably why it effects me the way that it has.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Waiting for the other shoe to drop
For several months before my mom's death I kept having a sense that we have had it to good for too long. Not such a bad thing, but I felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am not saying that I knew what was about to happen or that I am clairvoyant in any way, because never in a million years did I expect my mom to die of "natural causes" at the age of 59, she had always been healthy and moderately active.
One day while I was in the car that I was thinking of all the people who I loved that have died, and my favorite memories of them. In my life the closest person to me out of all of these people was my paternal grandmother, whom we called Gimmie. Gimmie died in September 1995, and we had already lost my 24 year old cousin Brent that February, and my maternal grandfather died in February of 1996. Since their deaths we have lost family or friends scattered through the last thirteen years, and I was saddened and missed them, but in a different way than I had missed my grandmother or like I miss my mom now. While thinking about all of the wonderful people who have touched my life I had an overwhelming feeling that something was going to happen, but what? I felt panicked and tried to push these fears away and was able to distract myself, and it would be a couple of weeks before I felt this way again. In all I had these feelings four or five times from September through December 2008. I felt in some way that it was to good to be true that our family had stayed intact all of this time.
Was this intuition somehow trying to prepare me for what would happen? To answer that, I would say that I was in no way prepared for the events that took place surrounding my mother's death. Maybe I just find things to worry about, maybe I dwell on the past to much, or maybe it wasn't mystical in anyway but part of my nature to look at the worst case scenario.
One day while I was in the car that I was thinking of all the people who I loved that have died, and my favorite memories of them. In my life the closest person to me out of all of these people was my paternal grandmother, whom we called Gimmie. Gimmie died in September 1995, and we had already lost my 24 year old cousin Brent that February, and my maternal grandfather died in February of 1996. Since their deaths we have lost family or friends scattered through the last thirteen years, and I was saddened and missed them, but in a different way than I had missed my grandmother or like I miss my mom now. While thinking about all of the wonderful people who have touched my life I had an overwhelming feeling that something was going to happen, but what? I felt panicked and tried to push these fears away and was able to distract myself, and it would be a couple of weeks before I felt this way again. In all I had these feelings four or five times from September through December 2008. I felt in some way that it was to good to be true that our family had stayed intact all of this time.
Was this intuition somehow trying to prepare me for what would happen? To answer that, I would say that I was in no way prepared for the events that took place surrounding my mother's death. Maybe I just find things to worry about, maybe I dwell on the past to much, or maybe it wasn't mystical in anyway but part of my nature to look at the worst case scenario.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Waves of Emotions
Today will be one month since my mom passed away. My emotions are like waves, with each wave that crashes up against the cliffs a new emotion hits. I am caught between sadness, worry, anger, frustration, acceptance, denial, emptiness, regret, selfishness and hope. Sadness because I will never be able to walk up to another baseball game and see her standing there, and because my daughter,niece and nephew will probably not remember her, and that my twin nieces will never have the privilege of being held in her loving arms. Worry because my dad is now left alone in the home of their dreams and how he will be emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally. Anger because I hate that she is gone and I don't understand why and keep telling myself that there is this grand plan that is not meant for us to understand, but I still want to know WHY! Frustration because I know that it is not my responsibility to make sure that everyone is taken care of but I can't help it, I worry about EVERYONE that I know who is as lost as I am. Acceptance because I have faith throughout all of my doubt that GOD is in control and His will be done. Denial because I don't want to believe that I will not see her again in her physical body. Emptyness because she left a gapping hole in my heart the day she left this earth. Regret for all the things left unsaid, all of the secrets left to be shared and for the time that should have been spent together, where I can touch her, and hear her voice. I feel selfish because I know that she is in a much more beautiful place but I still want her here with me. Finally hope, because I know that we will meet again in heaven, and it will seem like an eternity on earth but I know that when that time comes it will feel as only a moment has passed, and for that I can't wait.
There is no rhyme or reason to any of the events that took place, but what makes me continue one step in front of the other is my faith that all is well, even when it feels like it isn't.
There is no rhyme or reason to any of the events that took place, but what makes me continue one step in front of the other is my faith that all is well, even when it feels like it isn't.
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